Fighting with myself

Depression. Whether you have faced or are facing the mental illness yourself, know of someone who is or have heard about it through social media or talk of mouth, it effects us all. Beyond Blue statistics indicate depression is a common mental illness leaving at least 280 million people diagnosed globally . Depression involves a depressed mood or loss of interest in activities and day to day life for long periods of time. If feelings of sadness and low moods persist for 2 weeks or longer it can be a sign that you are facing depression. Depression can often lead to thoughts of suicide, 1 in 6 Australians alone will face these thoughts at some point in their lives. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death in people aged between 15 and 29. 700,000 people die to suicide each year world wide.  And therefore this personal story must be told to inform those who are unaware of the signs and feelings of struggling with chronic depression. This story also is here for anyone who has or continues to struggle with the mental illness to help support and ensure you are not alone.

Fighting with myself

The following story is based on an interview from one of our participants.

It came out of no where. Striking me like a bad pain making you feel almost completely paralysed in a second. I couldn’t move, I guess I really didn’t want to though…

I have felt sad before. I have felt loss, guilt, grief, tragedy but this is something entirely different. It would not go away. No matter how much I tried. I remember waking up one morning, and my body may as well have been filled top to bottom in concrete, I was not going anywhere. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that even just the day before I had no issue doing. No matter how hard I tried, I could not think about a single reason that was important enough to get me out of my bed. That’s where it all started. After coming to the realisation of how serious and intense these feelings were, I decided to seek out for some help. After discussing my feelings and emotions with my GP, they had diagnosed with me clinical  depression. 

One of the hardest parts, was knowing I had so many things in my life to feel joyous and grateful about, but still feeling so undeniably down. It changed everything for me. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone especially about my self. It scared me. The thought of others seeing me the way I had been seeing myself. With depression can come a series of other emotions and feelings. I remember feeling paranoid, thinking every one around me was starting to disappear, but truthfully I think I was the one beginning to distance myself. I didn’t want to wait for anyone to decide I was too much, so I decided for them.  I refused to let anyone know how difficult is was for me to do the basic daily chores that had once been so easy for me. Things like hanging out the washing, going to work, doing anything considerably normal, became so suddenly almost impossible. I felt like a complete failure. I knew what I wanted my life to look like, how I wanted to feel and in some ways maybe how to get there. But it was coming to actually do those things that was so difficult, I felt completely stuck. I was struggling majorly with physical and mental fatigue as well, to be quite honest I don’t know whether the fatigue might’ve brought on the depression or vice versa, regardless this made daily chores and activities feel impossible to perform.

After seeking help from my GP, I had been prescribed a medication to help with clinical  depression. I found the days I might have forgotten or run out of that medication, I would drop quite drastically, and it was extremely scary. I once again felt completely stuck. There were times throughout the years that I thought I had been feeling okay enough to begin weaning my way off of the medication. I learnt quite quickly that doesn’t exactly work for everyone as everyone is completely different. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed to have been prescribed something for depression, I just wanted to take a bit of my life back. I found it super scary and hard to accept that I just could not really find a way to discontinue my use of medication. 

After making the decision to seek professional help and committing to seeing a psychologist, I was surprised with how much it actually really did help to talk to someone. As spoken about earlier, it was hard for me to allow friends and family to know how it was I was feeling and what I was struggling with on a day to day basis. This can lead to isolating from just about anyone which can often feel like the best and only option, but it is the opposite. I found confiding in someone who did not know me prior to my depression made me feel much safer to open up as there wasn’t really anything to be ashamed of or any expectations to live up to. Going through the process of seeking professional help to receive the appropriate medication and support lead me to understand the importance of recognising the things I could try  for myself to make me feel better. 

I had fallen out of touch with things that once made me feel super happy and though it may have taken a while to recognise those things and feel genuinely good when trying to get back into them when and where possible, it was very much worth it. For me it was things like going down by the water, trying to exercise often and explore new places and things. Exercising has always been something, for me at least, that was super difficult to actually get into to begin with. Truthfully though, I always walk away feeling better than I did beforehand. I also found for me personally, having a personal faith really helped in the darkest of times. I had at many points felt a number of intensely negative emotions, but I am extremely lucky and grateful to say I have never felt hopeless, just super far from where it was I wanted to be. Learning to find the balance between trying to reconnect with myself and sit within my own company, but not pushing those I love away. Discovering the importance of self compassion and allowing those who really love you to support you. It truly only takes 1 person to sit there and listen, genuinely believe in you and reassure you everything will be okay to be ready to fight against whatever it may be you are facing. 

If you or someone you know is struggling and needs support please reach out.

Beyond Blue: Call 1300 22 4636,

LifeLine: Call 13 11 14

Blue Knot Foundation Helpline:Call 1300 657 380

Kids Helpline: Call 1800 55 1800.

MensLine Australia: Call 1300 78 99 78

Written by, J J Barnshaw, October 4th.